Why do I always feel like I’m battling with time? Its as if I’m in an endless argument with it. I feel rushed because I don’t have enough of it, I feel depressed because I’m wasting it. Its moving too fast, moving too slow, never at peace. The little time I have, I never can put to any use that makes me feel satisfied.
I don’t usually include too much about my personal life in my writing other than whatever you can assume based on the emotion and content of my writing, but I am in a relationship that is considered “long distance.” Because of this, I have a very interesting and almost obsessive relationship with time. I’m stuck in a place where I’m constantly measuring time, and unfortunately my happiness is a bit tangled up in it as well.
At a month until we can see each other again, I feel terrible, hopeless. The light at the end of the tunnel doesn’t seem to exist, and I shift between being in a vaguely good mood and in a severely depressed mood several times every day. Each endless, passing day. At the end I realize that I spent the entire day wishing it was over and then I regret the time wasted. I feel terrible for being too silly to take advantage of the day I had, and by the time my rational mind has enough power to make me realize this, it is too late. Too much time but still not enough, simultaneously.
A few days before we see each other I’m elated. The days drag on but I don’t care anymore. I don’t care because the ultimate prize is waiting at the end of the tunnel and I am so close to the light I can almost feel it on my cheeks.
By the time we finally are together, a countdown starts somewhere within the recesses of my mind. I’m in the light, but the next tunnel is coming faster than I want it to. I find myself already dreading it. The dread weighs me down and makes it harder to enjoy the quickly disappearing light. A few days is barely enough to outweigh a month of darkness. They come and go too quickly, and I feel like I never have a chance to really enjoy them before I am back again, alone, with nothing but days to count down.
I catch myself wishing that we could just hold hands and not worry about how much time we have left to do so. I want to fall asleep and not wake up thinking that this is the last morning we have before being apart again. It is really messing with me and I have no idea how long I can take it. The worst part is that when I map my future, this will be my situation for a long time to come. I’m only in the beginning. It seems so ominous. I have years to go before I can have any relationship that is a little more free from the constraints of time. It seems like too much time. But it’s only too much because I don’t have nearly enough.
My problem rests with this.
I cannot escape this situation that I’m in, so the only option is to suffer or learn. I’m trying to learn, but all I feel is the suffering and I don’t know how to flip the switch. I have yet to figure out how to mend my terrible relationship with time. Meanwhile, it seems to only be interested in ruining me. How can I get myself on the same side as time? It looks like my enemy when I really need it to be a friend.